A letter to my conscience?

I had promised myself I won’t be writing till I complete all my exams, but the thing I have in my head has to be vented out somewhere, and I guess this is the place. I’m by and large a very self centered person. Matters which have very direct connotations with my own life dictate how I behave, talk and laugh. My blog is testimony to the fact that I write mostly about my life, my muses rarely caring to portray the other side of the story. Today however, this is someone else’s story which holds no long lasting significance in my life. Here it goes.

Dear X,

I wish I could say all this to you myself in person; but my hands are tied and my lips are sealed by that weird thing I know not how to describe or define.  If you were more than just an acquaintance I still might have taken a chance, but sadly you aren’t.

Remember what Steve Waugh said to Gibb’s when he dropped his catch in the semifinal of 1999 Worldcup? He said, ‘You dropped the cup, mate!’  Same goes for you too. You will never know what you missed, ignored and in turn lost. 

I had a beautiful dream – a dream where I could see you two hands in hands in the final semester; had planned so many ways to tease you people; to make a fool of you- all that matters no more. I’m filled with just a sense of anger, pity and may be remorse for what could have been.  If you only you had seen the way I do.

What irks me even more is your nonchalance.  Being a guy, I’m unable to fathom the reasons behind your actions. Your actions, though always erratic, at least had the semblance of dignity till you chose to downplay the whole thing by calling ‘it’ was all ’Aise hi’! All that marathon texting spree was just ‘Aise hi’? Or were the long distance calls made ‘Aise hi’? And, if at all, it was actually ‘Aise hi’, why then? The vacations are indeed long and boring. More so, if you are at home with no places to go and nothing to do. But couldn’t you find someone closer to home? I seriously detest you for whatever you did mate. What do you call the ultra-secretive meets? Were they also just ‘Aise-hi’?  You couldn’t confide in your best of friends, made great efforts to hold clandestine meet-ups, all for this? I think she deserved better, much better.

I have done some darned things in my life too - made some dreadful decisions, misjudged people dreadfully, befriended people who were never meant to last -so I’m in no position to judge your actions, but I hope you realize what you lost someday. Hopefully when true realization dawns, remorse will sweep through you. But then it will be too late. And I’m sure it will serve you right. On the other hand, I’m happy it was over even before it started. Probably whatever happens is for some greater good.

P.S: The two persons I’m referring to aren’t my friends; they happen to be a friend of a good friend. I had this weird contempt for the guy because I knew what going on the whole time and felt whatever he did was a sordid thing to do. I don’t know whether Mr. Jackass will read this – or even if he does –whether he will realize that I’m referring to him. I sincerely hope he does.

P.P.S: Well, the post was written some long time back.. I’m so happy I was proved wrong in so many ways which I didn't even think of.

Pigeon Power.. :P

..Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone..

I m feeling funny.. No I am not high. I’m flabbergasted by a couple of things that happened. First, I learned that I have chatted over 500 times with a particular person in college in gtalk, and I happen to be most chatted person in college in his list.. :P ( I blabber a lot more anyday though.. ). Yes, I like that a person a lot. Over the last few months I have been chatting ‘off the record’..  so I’m  quite sure the number would have been a lot more otherwise.. n before I get any further, I should mention that it is a guy I’m talking about.Here, though it feels weird to put this,  I would like to say that contrary to popular beliefs, I love being with guys than girls. In the three of years of college, I have known very few girls outside my department and made friends with even fewer. Yet, my schoolmates keep calling me **beep** much to my dislike. Things were different before college, but not now.

..I am floating away
Lost in a silent ballet..

Also, I re-discovered the power of technology. Mobile phone camera, bluetooth has already created havoc in the lives of many a college students: today I learned the power of Skype. I was mildly flabbergasted after learning the things I learned, but trust me it was worth it. Had a lot of fun, actually laughed out loud ( LOL) n but for the extra-dirty floors, I would have rolled on the floor too.. :P It was actually funny knowing certain things.. How weirdly people think about me and the misconceptions they have because of something I said or did as a joke to piss them off. Talking about technology, I should mention ‘pidgin’here. Pidgin is basically a chat program with which you can chat on different networks all at once. But the why I’m mentioning pidgin here is completely different.. Pidgin defies the laws of invisibility of Gtalk. So, a lotta times, I have a lotta fun knowing that someone is actually not replying and not sleeping as he would like me to believe. No ‘Gidle’ or Invi, can actually be full proof you see... The only real way to get the message through: say it. :D.  Pidgin rocks n so does Skype. Gotta viva, N I haven't yet started.. not surprised are you?  

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight

I'll spread my wings and fly.

P.S:  All italicized excerpts are lyrics from songs by Owl City.

Lateral wishes..

Time changes and so does situations. And with it changes the sense of right and wrong…  good and bad…  A few days back I was talking to a friend of mine, and we realized how drastically things have changed for most of us. This is my attempt to understand when it actually changed.. a particular time, a particular incident, or was it a slow transition as inevitable as the ageing of hair and lowering of libido.

Not so long ago, writing a good exam meant completely different from what it is now. In school leaving out a part of the syllabus was unthinkable, and not attempting 5 marks in a paper was an unpardonable sin.  In +2, things changed, there came a thing called JEE. I personally used it as one of the biggest excuse for neglecting the boards (which was lame, I admit, but at that time, I had other priorities-the fairer sex, n yes I suffered big time). Now that I’m in college the scenario has changed. The people who crib for that 1 particular question they couldn’t answer (and would hence lose 5 marks) are the minority, while I find myself surrounded by the people with contented faces saying all that they studied the night before came luckily.  Completing the syllabi is not an option any more- not when u start studying a day or two before the exam. Class tests go well only if you are lucky (you sit beside the right guy, n the proff understands your plight and leaves you alone) and in viva it is the competition of how well u can smile and say some crap and just hope.

Teachers have also changed. Gone are the days when a teacher would personally take interest in the life of all the students. (I personally remember most ma’ams knew me on personal level.. I was a kiddo, but they knew about my mood swings and dealt with it, n they even came to my house on a few occasions.  A ma’am even went so far ahead as to ask about my personal problems in 12^th and trust me, it helped.) At college the best u can expect is that the proff will know your name and face. Will talk to you sweetly (very rarely so, and very few proffs actually talk) if they meet you outside college campus.

N finally the people who around me. There was no animosity around then. All of them need not be the best of buddies, but we didn’t hate each other either. Exceptions were there, but that was merely aberrations from the norm more than anything else. Things were a lot simpler as well. We fought when we wanted to, settled our scores, but the issues got dealt with - once and for all. How I miss those days.  In college, second year onwards, it has been a tough on this aspect. I will not be elaborating more on this, but I sincerely wish people were simpler, spoke their mind without sugar coating their words.

And now about the fairer sex.  I rememeber liking a girl when I was in standard three…  how old was I then?Nine or Ten perhaps.. I don’t know what to call it.. but it was kinda sweet. As I grew older, things got complicated like all other things around me. It became more difficult to ‘understand’ them. Soon there were things which we didn’t understand. N then we were enlightened (courtesy a Moral Science Book in standard 7th : those who studied in ICSE boards can probably relate to what I say). N then few people like me lost their senses and screwed up their life while the more intelligent ones continued in their sensible ways.. At college, with the abysmal male: female ratio, and short of options ( A gtalk status message read : Looks are inversely proportional to brains ) people have been ‘forced’ to play the ‘settler’ than the ‘reacher ’ ( Courtesy ‘How I Met Your Mom’ Series), and I guess that says a lot  about the whole issue. It’s all about Love, Sex, Money and Dhoka though.. I’m not sure how many of the mushy couples who go around all starry eyed will finally end up together later. I’m not even sure whether they want to actually. Probably they believe in being ‘practical’ and have a nice time in college and outside. Probably it is more about what ‘others’ think..and  if nothing else, it is just about the hormones. Strange how I finally have realized that I can never get back the ‘sweet’ liking as a 9 year old.. it’s lost.. it’s way more complicated now.

Just wish things were different.. I  wish I could love the things that are taught in class once more.. I wish the results mattered more to me .. The people were less complicated, so that I could trust them just like that…  there were no double meaning to words, Proffs were more like extended family, and cared the way a close relative would.. Wish I could like a girl and not care whether she liked me or not.. could be at peace with myself for whatever was happening around.. I know these are never meant to be again, but why should that stop me from hoping..

(I forget the last time I felt brave

I just recall insecurity

Cause it came down like a tidal wave

And sorrow swept over me

-Owl City)

Friends, Good friends, and (ex)-zone mates…

   (This is a personal rambling of sorts. People who are not in my college will not follow the most of it.)

      Well a lot has been said about friendship, and even more about zone mates. This is my take at things. It will be a ‘Atri-ish’ post for the first time (:P). Also, I find blogging the most effective way to communicate with people.

1.      I  love my friends more. All my friends are not equally dear. There are levels of friendship. If anyone says that everybody is his friend of the same stature, they are hypocrites if not liars. I hate liars.
2.        According to me, just spending time with certain people day in and day out doesn’t make them better friends. Likeminded people sharing common interests, same ideas go on to become good friends. There are so many other things that create the bonds of friendship.
3.        Continuing from pt. 2, ragging never created any special bonds for me. The person who are my good friends in zone or otherwise (yes there were good friends, friends, and so on...) are people whom I knew, liked and admired to some extent for all that they were. 
4.        I have always done what I’ve believed to be correct. For me, it would have been a shame if I had not stood up for Tanya. Tanya is a very good friend (No, I don’t have any ‘thing’ for her as many of you thought) and I can live in peace for doing what I did. My support for her was about friendship and doing what I believed was right. Will do that all over again if a time comes.
5.        It was always about friendship for me. Always will be. People I depended on in my zone were my good friends. I’m sure they would have helped me if I wasn’t from Durgapur.. That’s the way they are and that’s why they are (not ‘were’) my good friends. [Be it my accident (when I called Gugga), or for the numerous occasions when Subh, Supu, Souptik, Dada, Sayan, Ayan, Battery was there for me.]
6.        I read it somewhere, 95% wanted me to be excluded from the zone which aspires to be a ‘family’ after this. Good luck to u guys. For the rest 5%, and for all those who called me, thank you. I’m happy that 5% of you understood how things worked for me and that at the end of the day friendship is all that matters.
7.        @Joyee, Gargi:  I have no qualms about whatever happened. As I said I would do it again. Think with a clear head. Nothing changes between us after this fiasco. :P     @Tanya: Check ur gtalk chat history for all that you mean to me. I stopped chatting off the record for some time now. :P  A word of advice, delete the messages from ‘Don’t pic up’ widut reading. It will help. Trust me.
8.        At my wingies:

Basu: I personally feel you shouldn’t have written about the zone thing. I know you felt bad about it but I guess it wasn’t needed. I never gave ragging with you, know you well for just more than over a year, n yet you are my friend. I hope it means so much for you as it does for u. J

Anuj: I stood up for what I believed. Sometimes I think u should do too (even more vehemently).  Thanks for being there. You alone know what I think of you and I think saying this much is enough.

 @216: Try standing up for your friends. And learn trusting them without judging. J

@Atri: I hate you. :P dare you piss me off.  :P lolz.

                           As for the zonal juniors, I have only best wishes for u guys. I never believed in ragging. I personally hated who ragged me and then at the end of RP said ‘It was all in good spirits’. I never wanted to be that kind of senior. The only people I knew well were the ones who wanted to keep in touch with me. They became friends to some extent. Rishi, Prithviraj, and others you all are very talented. Just keep going.  Good luck.    
   
P.S:

·         This post is about the people in college excluding most of my other friends. Also I left the final years out of discussion. My classmates, Saswatada, and all others, u people should know that you were always my friends. Some a little more than the others, but that’s the way it is.

·         Tamal it’s unfair to write a post about friendship without mentioning you.. so here you are. :P J