Find Yourself!

When you find yourself

In some far off place

And it causes you to rethink some things

You start to sense that slowly 

You're becoming someone else

And then you find yourself

When you make new friends in a brand new town

And you start to think about settlin' down

The things that would have been lost on you 

Are now clear as a bell

And you find yourself 

Yeah that's when you find yourself

Where you go through life

So sure of where you’re headin'

And you wind up lost and it's 

The best thing that could have happened

‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well

Because you find yourself

Yeah that’s when you find yourself

When you meet the one

That you've been waitin' for

And she's everything that you want and more

You look at her and you finally start to live for some one else

And then you find yourself

That’s when you find yourself

When we go through life

So sure of where we're headin'

And we wind up lost and it's 

The best thing that could have happened

‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way it's really just as well

Because you find yourself

Yeah that's when you find yourself

This song performed by Brad Paisely sorted a lot of issues in my head lately. It is there at the end of the animated movie 'Cars' by the Pixar Studios. IMDB shows a rating of just 7.5, but it is truly under rated. The Rocky series with the  'Eye of the tiger' (Survivor) & 'Gonna Fly Now' (Bill Conti) is my self prescribed dose when I find the chips are down. 'Find Yourself' lacks the punch may be, but makes your heart yearn for your Radiator Springs and Sally (refer to the movie if it makes no sense to you). 

No ranting, no rambling... just wanted the lyrics to stay somewhere I can see often.. not in .docx file somewhere I would never open up.. 

Screwed Up: My Story

ACT 1: 


Scene1:

A week into the semester, the holiday hangover is not over yet. After all, the three month long summer break is quite long, and bad habits are indeed easier to acquire. However, Adi  is very determined to attend all the lectures this time around. He intends to take studies a lot more seriously than the last time round and give it a proper shot. He carries all five fat notebooks that he bought last week and carries each one of them to the class every day. He nudges the girl sitting beside him in between the lecture and says,with a pride glowing in his face, ‘You know what? I haven’t missed a single class.’  ‘Oh really?’ comes the sarcastic reply from Shreya.

Scene 2:

‘Hey Adi, canteen chale?’ asks Ramaswamy, the  only Hyderabadi guy .  ‘No, yaar..’Adi tries to avoid but in vain.  ‘Abbe, chal na..’ and he drags him to the canteen. ‘Suun,tu next class karega kya? Mera proxy laga dena be in NMC’s class. Okay? ’ ‘Ya, sure’, replies Adi . After the coffee is over, he heads back to class, while Ramaswami is off to hostel. While on his way, Adi shakes his head and says to himself, ‘Fcuk, I should have gone back too with him’.

Scene3:

‘Oye lazy moron get up! It’s already 12!’ screams someone. Still groggy, Adi fumbles for his glasses and blurts ‘What happened? Let me sleep.’  ‘You dint attend a single class in the morning. And don’t give me bullshit saying u dint have one.. I checked with a guy of your department’, says the other guy.  ‘Hmm.. ’ comes the groggy reply as Adi dozes off to complete his unfinished business.



Act 2:

Scene 1:

‘See, I really need it. Okay? Please understand. I will give it back in under thirty minutes. Cool?’ pleads Adi.  ‘This is the last time, you get it? And it’s not at all cool! Why don’t you make your own notes? We have our semester day after tomorrow and you want it now?’  says a visibly irritated Nilanjana. ‘Also these are my notes, okay? Don’t you dare give it to your other pals. It took me a lotta hard work to make it’. ‘Okay Neel, I promise. Thanks buddy for saving my ass as always’ , and he makes a run for the photocopy shop. ‘Mind it; this is the last time I’m helping you out..‘  Nilanjana’s voice trails off in the distance.

Scene2:

‘Yaar please keep quiet. Let me concentrate. I need to mug this whole thing up‘, screams Adi sitting on his bed with photocopies and books all over his bed and the some Wikipedia page showing on the laptop screen. However the guys start discussing their doubts among themselves again soon. He throws his hands up in disgust. ‘You people are just pathetic. Uncivilized pack of mongrels ’, says with nothing but disgust as he slams the door of their room behind him.

Scene3:

4 in the morning, still wide awake trying to study as best as he can, Adi rattles of the formula that he just learned. ‘Please God; please help me remember this damn formula’. To be doubly sure he writes it down in a scrap of paper in miniscule handwriting. ‘I still have 5 hours to go..  Last two lessons.. I hope I make it.’ He picks up his cell and dials a number. ‘Hey, did you do sum number 5.7? Good.. explain it to me..’ and he takes his pen and paper to write a bunch of weird looking equations full of deltas and integrals..

Scene 4:

‘Please God..  Help me,’ he thinks in his mind as he takes the question paper from the Proffesor. Then he begins to write as the electric bell goes off.

Act 3:

Scene1:

Everyone has left the examination hall except Adi, Ramaswami and Shreya. Adi is tensed - speaking only when he needs to.  Shreya’s exam is also screwed, but she is a little cool about it since she knows that she will scrape through somehow. Ramaswamy is also tensed. But he covers it up with the wicked smile that always lights up his face.

               Adi is frantically adding up his marks he expects to get. ‘Okay, ten here, six in this. Sixteen. Sir will give another three for this and another two for all that I hope. How much is it?’ ‘ Dunno re..’ ‘Screw you.. ten, six, three  and two .. Okay that makes twenty one.’ ‘In Madam’s portion I haven’t done anything.. I mean I have done, but they are all wrong.. So I need at least twenty in the internals to pass. Will they give? I was screwed in my class test also.. and I don’t even have attendance..‘ breaks off Adi.  ‘Chill dude.. they will make you pass.. they gives grace’ says Ramaswami, in a attempt to sooth Adi’s nerves. Adi starts counting again.. Shreya and Ramaswami exchange glances.

Scene2:

 Its 10 in the night, and Adi is still fiddling with the question paper. He adds it up one more time. The marks he mentally adds up is probably still not good enough to calm him down. Exasparated, he is unsure what to do next. If only he had studied as he had planned to in the start of the semester.

Scene 3:

It’s the day that the results shall be declared.  Adi powers his laptop and connects to the web. He types in the web address in the browser, and waits it to connect to the web page..  And finally it connects and the result is in front of him. He sees it for a minute and a drop of tear rolls down his cheeks.  Just then 1800 kms away, Ramaswami  starts a dialing a number on his cell phone..

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A word before you leave:

So what do you think happened? This ain’t my story. This is not someone else’s story either. I guess we know whose story this is. This is the story of an average college going kid who wonders what went wrong. I guess this story is applicable to some student of every college be it in IITs, NITs or some other college. It’s the same story everywhere and not just Adi, Ramaswami or Shreya.

I am in NIT Durgapur, and from firsthand experience I can tell you this is the real thing. I’m no CB, n I dint get the drive to glorify Adi by making him sleep with a Proff’s daughter. Most of us here are pretty much like the every other kid in the street. Yes, we ogle at pretty girls, and laugh among ourselves about the air headed chicks. But how come we ended up so screwed up? 

A professor once said to us : ‘You come here as finished products, and pass out as raw materials.’ I guess that’s what it truly is.

p.s : This ain't FPS. Dont think about it while you read.

Chemical Locha or coincidence?

What is it like to be disowned by your family? How does it feel when you get dumped? How does it feel when you find out that the friend you always thought to be your closest is bitching behind your back? Does it feel that you have just been run over by a train? Do you feel breathless and gasp for air? Or do you feel like raising your middle finger and say ‘I care a fcuk’? Or do you accept it all with the calmness of the ancient saints? Isn’t it strange how deep a scar people close to you can leave on you? Have you ever wondered why people still fall in love, stay with a violent and abusing spouse, and put their trust on friends? With all the neurons that we have inside in our head, human beings still do incredibly stupid things (falling for the girl/guy that every friend thought was a bad idea; trusting people for all the long reasons; taking life as seriously as they can only to realize their mistake when it’s too late and the list goes on..) and yet supposedly we are the intelligent of all the living species on Earth. Quiet a paradox, eh?

How long does it take to develop hate when you find out your girlfriend was having an affair with your best friend?  How long do you take to promise yourself that you would work extra hard the ‘next time‘every time you perform below your expectations? (It’s a different story that only few have the determination to fulfill it). How many tries does it really take for a chain smoker to quit smoking?  So why do we fake it? (Yeah like most women, men fake it more often than what is generally acknowledged – you get the idea, right? :P). Why do we make hollow promises not only to others but to ourselves?

So what is it that makes us do all of it? How come our brain is so developed and yet we behave so weirdly as a social animal?  Some ‘chemical locha’ perhaps! I am yet figure out a truly convincing answer. The only thing that I can think of is that probably the human brain is designed like this. It is supposed to make choices that cannot be explained by logic. May be that is why all Geniuses are perceived to be lunatic. May be, just maybe, it is in chaos where the perfect symmetry lies which we can’t see?  Or are all this is a mere coincidence just like the Big Bang that created us?

Efficiency

Ever thought about the ideal things that we learned in our high school days? The ideal gas, the ideal machines and such stuffs? Though we always knew such things can never exist we still went on solving problems thinking that they were ideal, didn’t we? Later, we came across the term ‘Efficiency’. A term which described how close a machine was to the ideal thing (if it existed, that is). Now those who are still pursuing career in science probably all those ideal things was bullshit and nothing even close to being ideal exists in reality. No surprises, considering we can’t really consider an elephant to be a sphere (and assume that all its weight is concentrated in some point in its tummy) for the sake of it!

Okay, so what is efficiency actually then? I mean not from the perspective of science. We all knew how it was defined in 12^th grade, but what does it actually mean? The way I look at it is the best you can get out of your life while having the maximum fun and yet putting the least effort. That’s a very difficult task mind you.

But people have different priorities in life. For some life is meant as a race; a race in which they have to come first or they lose. For some it is more of ambling across the finishing line giving a shit about the others. I belong probably to none of the above stated groups. I am aloof, probably purposely oblivious to the race which I am running. The race in which I intend to do well without missing all the things that comes during the course of the race. I intend to enjoy all the things that life has to offer. The childhood without scampering for tuitions, the sweet pang of first crush (brazenly I admit that I had it when I was a mere 9 year old :P), the butterflies in stomach before ‘approaching’ someone, the joy of spending time with good friends outside school ( I am truly blessed with the kinds of friends I have which I keep saying time and again), and spending time with parents and family; the first high after boozing late into the night: I have had it all. So coming back to the question of efficiency, am I efficient? I have had all the fun I hoped for (still having it), managed 3 years of Chemical Engineering courses (which I sometimes feel is totally worthless) and is looking forward to what the future has to offer : What more could I have asked for?

Some people who have different priorities in life (as they put it), and would have bargained the fun n frolic for a little better grades; a better job and a hectic life which they shall be spending rest of their petty lives in order to achieve that ‘a little more’. But is all that worth it? What is the point of making money if you don’t have the time to enjoy the things that money can buy? If you had everything in the world except time which you have traded to do that ‘little better’? Isn’t your efficiency Zero? Aren’t you putting in so much effort for nothing? So do you really think you are efficient? Time to think again.

A word to ALL

I was always irritated to see the advertisements in the websites. It is funny that now my own blog also has such advertisements. I am here not to make money. I just want to know how this thing- Google Adsense works, and how much money people make by it. I guess unless someone is already famous, he/she cannot make much money as a blogger. Exceptions are always there though like the famous Fake-IPL-Player who became famous overnight :P But exceptions only prove the law, eh?

I shall experiment with this adsense stuff for a few months to see how it generates revenue for a below par blogger like me. Meanwhile I hope the visitors don’t get irritated (like I used to) and bear with my whims and fancies.

I also appreciate people like Twisha, Rishi ,Sharaya, Teko (Suvro), Piudi who keeps letting me know about my poems. To the ones who keep dropping in their comments via g-talk (though I would have preferred if all you guys made it a point to use the comments section) : thanks for the insights and encouragement. J

This rhyming stuff is damn difficult. It takes a hell a lot of a time and concentration. I found the blank verses much easier. All the poems took about 1.5-2 hours. ‘The Elusive Dream’ probably a little more (but it’s much longer than the rest). I found I express myself well in the blank verses, and I had to sometimes compromise with my feelings while trying to maintain a rhyming pattern.

One of my friend said that I probably copy from some other source or else writing poems in such short time is very difficult. But he himself has never written a poem. I would like to know from the people who writes poems about how much time they take and whether I should spend a little more time with the poems so that they are more polished or anything of that sort. As of now, after I finish with a poem, I do not go back and post it after a making a little or no correction/changes here and there. Do let me know guys.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Cheers,

Knottyknight

P.S: I am indeed naughty. (truly-madly-deeply :P)

A Wet Kiss

One wet evening

In a desert land

I was waiting

In the bus-stand.

She came unhurriedly

Timid and scared,

We met secretly

And we just stared.

Holding hands we stood

As if for eternity

Tried the best we could

To maintain sanity.

But that was not to be

And she ate the ‘apple’

All I could then see

Was the beautiful angel

There we fiercely kissed

The very first one of my life

And she didn’t resist

Let alone strife

And then the rain came

Drenching us yet again

Reigniting the flame

It’s all His doing, Amen.

The Highway To Heaven

Driving down the highway

Carefree, careless

I see the trees at either side

Fly away with grace.

Overtaking another car,

I scream with joy

Destination not too far

No reason to act coy.

Just then out of nowhere

A cruiser hits head-on,

Up comes the flare

And I am gone.

Destination still a little far

Still on the highway,

I lie with just a scar

Happy, contented and gay.

P.S : I tried not to be prosaic this time, though I still preffer blank verse.

The Elusive Dream

So many things clog my mind

But so little I can say

Is it only me?

Or do you feel the same way?

Sometimes I try,

Try my best to stop thinking;

But the thoughts..

They never leave me alone

And keep egging me on

To plan grand things.

I look back where I started,

‘Could have done better perhaps’

Someone speaks in my mind.

‘Is this not good enough?’

Someone counters in a small voice

Afraid perhaps to sound contented

‘Certainly not!’ the other snaps back.

‘Run’, it urges ‘Run as fast you can

As long as you can

Till your lungs don’t rebel,

Heart doesn’t scream.

Run and chase your elusive dream.’

So I run on and on

The finishing line remaining ever so far..

A little more, and then no farther

I keep saying to myself

But the voice in the mind

Drives me on.

This is a disease

A disease in my mind

A disease that is as lethal

As that of the blood.

But is there a cure?

Oh yeah! There is one.

But it is ‘The road not taken’

As once Mr. Frost told us all

The Vagabond took the road,

And so he was happy

But do such Vagabonds exist today?

I don’t wish to be a vagabond,

I wish to run,

I wish to stand up every time I fall.

The lungs would rebel,

The heart would scream,

But I want to go on and live my dream.

So what if it’s elusive?

I know I will make it big

It’s only the will

That’s all I need.

P.S: Posted at almost 3am, this one is finally a night time post. Also this is my first ever poem. I Just felt like trying to see whether I can actually write one or not after seeing Sharaya’s (who made a comment in my previous post) blog (http://mypayingself.blogspot.com/) consisting of beautiful poems. Poets have always seemed to be of a different class to me. I don’t know what I wrote probably going with the flow. I am not sure whether it is awesome or awful but do feast in the comments section because as I already have mentioned before, nothing works like criticism.

Adiós.

Why am I rambling?

Am I too talkative? I don’t think so. Then why ramble? After all to ramble is to talk endlessly in a desultory fashion eh? Well there are quite a few reasons behind this.

Supposedly these ramblings are going to hold me in good stead in the upcoming years as I step into the corporate world (taking it for granted that I will make it there sooner rather than later) where the SMS lingo will do me no good and I need to write proper grammatical English language. I hope this will negate the effect of sending approximately 500 text messages to friends every week. In fact, this blog is an attempt to type consistently formal English without typos. Obviously the Microsoft word is a big help with all its features which constantly keeps pointing the errors I make as I type! :D

I am also hoping that I will get into the habit of writing on various topics once more. The last time I wrote a proper essay/short story was way back in the year 2004 when I wrote my English-1 paper during ICSE. That’s a tad too long. Isn’t it?

Lastly, in the past couple of months I have developed a deep disliking about the way I spend time with my laptop. The amount of time I waste is just incredible and probably there are a huge number of fellows who do the same without realising it. The internet is a huge source of information, but it seems I hardly spend 5% of my time doing things that would help me in future. So blogging is just another way for me to keep me off from the socialising sites. I had had enough of socialising I guess, though I will still keep visiting them but with much lesser vigour and zest.

I have decided to keep my posts simple. I attended a lecture a few days back, and to quote the teacher, ‘There’s nothing as unimpressive as to use long many syllable words’. I have decided to follow his advice and use the simplest English I can, to write short simple sentences (this one’s getting pretty long already :P), and to present my thoughts lucidly. Humour is not my cup of tea, but I shall be trying that too from time to time.

I hope I come good at my decisions and write regularly juggling my busy schedule and don’t disappoint myself. Nothing works like criticism whether positive or negative. If any of you reading this has anything to say, please help yourself in the comments section. I know most people are lazy, but I guess some are different too. That’s it for now, have a long day ahead waiting for me.

Till the next time, Adiós.

The Swiss Houdini

It was in the year 2006 when I first started following Tennis seriously while at Kota, Rajasthan. One Monday, I picked up a Sportstar from the newspaper stands bearing the picture of a handsome looking tennis player wielding his racket. I had few things to do that particular evening and I got that edition of the magazine along with the newspaper. The cover story was quite an interesting one and I immediately developed a liking for the ‘Flawless Federer’ as the author hailed him. Previously I had heard about Pete Samprass and Andre Agassi, but never liked them to the extent which would compel me to follow the game of tennis. Reading about Roger Federer however urged me to know more about the world of tennis.

The first chance I got to watch the master at work was next year during the French Open. It was the final, and Federer lost to Rafael Nadal. I distinctly remember the bitter feeling it left just because Nadal had beaten Federer. Since then I have been an ardent supporter of the Swiss and hated Nadal every time he denied him the French Open.

A lot has been said about the greatness of Federer. He has now own a record 15 Grand Slams in the Open era, been at the top of the ATP Rankings for a record 237 weeks and probably many more. Oh! But he is peculiar from his contemporary players. He does not scream every time he serves, does not break a racquet every time he loses a point and most importantly enjoys the game of tennis in a calm n tranquil manner possible only for a player of his calibre. Interestingly, while watching theWimbledon final today, I came to know the quote written at the top of the entrance which leads to the Centre court. It is a few lines from the poem ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling:

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same..

Probably this is where his greatness lies. Win or lose Federer’s modesty shows through. His magnanimity in defeat makes it impossible for anyone to cheer against him. Records are meant to be broken and someone will probably surpass Federer in years to come, but the grace and elegance with which he weaves his magic will always be fondly remembered.